Parental Guidance Suggested
One of the things I looked forward to about becoming a parent was sharing the things I loved as a kid. Once my son started getting to an age to appreciate movies, I just couldn't wait to watch my old favorites with him. But it didn't take long to realize that the children's movies of the 1980s are not actually all that age appropriate.
For instance, I distinctly remember going to see the first Back to the Future movie in the theater in the summer of 1985. I even remember that it was the first time I ate grape Nerds. For the record, I was five. As I started reviewing that movie as a parent, I quickly decided that my six year old wasn't ready to see a guy watching a girl change without her consent, a mom flirting with her son, or a bully covered in manure… among other things.
Ok, what about The NeverEnding Story? I absolutely loved that movie (and theme song) when I was even younger than him. Oh. Right. Artax dying in the swamp, Atreyu covered in scary giant tortoise snot, and an evil force devouring everything in its path. Maybe a little intense for now.
Wait! The Secret of NIMH. I watched that all the time. Surely that would work for him. But then I started reading the plot and it all started coming back to me. The widowed field mouse, Mrs. Brisby, is trying to get medicine to keep her baby from dying, but he has to stay inside for three weeks. But the evil farmer is about to start plowing and will kill them all if they don't leave, so she seeks help from the great Nicodemus: leader of the rat colony under the rose bushes. Turns out NIMH is actually short for National Institute of Mental Health and the rats (including her husband) were lab rats. Anyway, by the end of the movie, half the cast is dead or injured.
You know what? Now that I think about it, maybe Don Bluth movies in general need to be pushed to the bottom of the list. Traumatizing children seems to be his trademark. I mean, if you just read the plot of All Dogs Go To Heaven without knowing it’s an animated children’s movie, you’d think it was a Martin Scorcese film. Who hurt you, sir?
I used to watch Return to Oz every day after school in second grade. But it opens with Dorothy hooked up to a machine about to receive electroshock therapy because her family thinks she's delusional. Princess Mombi has a collection of severed heads that she changed like hats depending on her mood. And of course, the Wheelers haunt the dreams of many a Xennial to this day.
Oh how about Flight of the Navigator? The kid is just casually walking through the woods at night alone to go get his little brother from a friend's house. He falls into a ravine, wakes up 8 years later without aging, and finds himself low-key imprisoned by NASA so they can study his brain because he has a telepathic connection with a spaceship voiced by Pee-Wee Herman. At least Sarah Jessica Parker is there to bring him Big Macs and tell him he’s cute.
Then there were so many movies with creepy puppets and scary monsters: Labyrinth, Dark Crystal, Little Monsters, Beetlejuice…
What was going on in the film industry back then? Were they all on LSD and disco biscuits? Did they truly want to create nightmare fuel for children? Why were the main characters so frequently lost or orphaned? Was it because we were so free range back then that they had to announce before the late-evening news: "It's 10 p.m. Do you know where your children are?"
I know I can't keep my kid in a bubble forever, but he's only six. He has his whole life to be exposed to fear and death and creepy puppets. So far, I'm thinking The Princess Bride might be a safe choice, but I need to re-watch it and make sure there's nothing in there I don't mind him repeating at school.