Mom Guilt

Back in May, I was drowning in end-of-school activities. In the midst of all that, my son's new school called to give me the results of his student assessment and give me the curriculum he needed to work on over the summer. Additionally, his enrollment paperwork was due on the same day as the protest for property taxes, which was also an early release day from school on which we were also going to be driving to Galveston to see Justin. I thought, "If I can just get through May, things will slow down." 

They did not. One day I looked at a calendar and realized a month had gone by and we hadn't gone over any curriculum yet. At that point, he'd already started summer day camp. So now he is home for about three or four waking hours a day during which I am trying to work with him on reading, writing, and spelling while also doing the meal time, bath time, and bed time routines. 

Back in the winter when I signed him up for camp, I wasn’t even sure which school he’d be attending — much less that there would be material that we would need to cover over the summer. All I knew was that my extroverted, energetic kid was going to need more activities and interaction than I could solely provide. I gave him several options for the summer, and he wanted to go all in with the most active and longest of all the local day camps.

I was a little hesitant for him to be gone eight or nine hours a day, but I tried to remember that I was doing the very same thing at his age. So far, he's having a great time and sleeping like a champ. But then over breakfast this morning, he told me, "I miss spending time together." Cue the mom guilt. 

If he's here all day and bored while I'm trying to cook, clean, do laundry, etc., then I'm not giving him enough attention. If he's oblivious to me because he's watching a movie, I'm letting him have too much screen time. If he's playing at camp all day, I'm not getting enough schoolwork done with him. But if I am getting enough schoolwork done, we're not having enough play time and I need to let him be a kid. 

Why is there so much pressure put on moms? Is some of it internal? Of course. But a lot of us feel like we're going to be externally judged no matter what we do. When I was growing up in the 80s, parents locked their kids outside all day during the summer. When I wasn't at day camp, I was at the pool or riding my bike around the neighborhood with my friend making treehouses on other people's property. We were exploring drainage pipes under the streets. We were riding our bikes on the ramps of the college football stadium across town. And no one was calling CPS.

Is it social media that makes us so judgy now? Maybe that's part of it, but several of my mom friends and I have discussed how we even feel judgment from our kids' schools, teachers, pediatricians, and even dentists. The stern look I got last week because I was hesitant to commit to expensive dental work on a tooth that he'll probably lose within the next six months seemed a bit over the top.

I wish there was a little less judgment and a lot more empathy. My favorite is when I hear someone without kids start a sentence with "Well, when I have kids, they will never..." It seems everyone is the perfect parent until they have kids. Parenting is hard. It stretches you in ways you didn’t know you could be stretched. It triggers you in ways you didn’t know you could be triggered. Working mom, stay-at-home mom, single mom, married mom, mom of an infant, mom of a toddler, mom of a kindergartener, mom of a teenager…it’s all hard in different ways and we all need support and encouragement.

I am grateful to have all of my son's grandparents here in town; they have bailed me out more times than I can count. I am thankful for other moms who have offered to have him over for play dates when I needed to run an errand or go to a meeting. I don't know how parents who are isolated without a network of support do this — especially if they have more than one kid. 

Ultimately, I don't know how my son will think back on his childhood one day. He certainly doesn't have perfect parents, and I’m sure he will acknowledge our mistakes. But if you ask him today, he will tell you the three things he loves most in the world are Jesus, his mom, and spending time with his family. So I think we must've done a few things right too.